put this in your diplomatic pouch and smoke it

So there is this chick in civil rights class that sits in the back and makes it her imperative to like discuss her life very loudly to random people in her head since no one is ever listening. I mean I guess I am listening but only because I am like DUDE YOU SHOULD PROBABLY TWEET ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS BECAUSE THE FIRST AMENDMENT STILL DOESN'T MAKE ME CARE.

So far about her I know she got accepted into law school but is thinking about joining the Army or something instead.

ha ha ha, the government really IS the only place hiring and I'm not even kidding about that shit, Vegas is like on life support waiting to get its organs harvested. Brain dead, but technically alive but no one will unplug us because we are Terri Shaivo and we have a right to live a miserable existence, THANK YOU.

I think we need the mafia to come back because we keep hiring more cops to hassle the homeless people and I'm probably about to be one of them. Actually I'm starting to aspire to being one of them since they don't own homes that are 100k underwater. Its pretty funny you don't need a degree to get on Metro but like all the homeless people probably have fancy degrees and just figured sleeping in the park made more fiscal sense than paying their mortgages. WAR IS PEACE. Thats right motherfuckers, I READ! And I will probably do it a lot more when I am homeless because the library is free and also socialist. And air conditioned.

So this girl has really noticeably ugly highlights and her reservation about joining the military is that feminism happened and she would have to do push-ups because it came with the suffrage and all. Hm. On the other hand I could maybe forgive the highlights and be her friend because that is the kind of feminism I support. Push-ups are bullshit. And so is daylight savings time because I took a two hour nap in the library today in my international relations textbook. See, I'm already practicing for being homeless.

I WAS thinking about working in an embassy because Obama decided that maybe instead of sending bombs and invaders and CIA intelligence operatives to other countries to tell them they suck, we could maybe try talking to them and letting them know they suck with words. Then we could ask them to change it and stuff before we bust out the scud missiles. OMG he is SO FUCKING BRILLIANT.

So incidentally today 3 US diplomats in Ciudad Juárez got assassinated by the Mexican drug cartel. (Check your map-puzzles, bitches) And since my mom lives right across the border I figure she may have heard about it or possibly even witnessed it from her house where she can see the Mexicans washing their clothes in the Rio Grande. But she basically is not concerned about my life if I become a consulate worker because, that violent drug cartel shit happens all the time down there so she is immune to it, I guess. Or maybe is just unconcerned with the prospect of my assassination. But she wants me to live closer so maybe the Mexican drug cartel is hiring. I'll probably have to check their twitter.

geography hosery

So I decided to take this test to join the government because they are the only ones hiring. Well, not true, some people are hiring for unpaid internships at the job fair but... SERIOUSLY? Also I hate the law and I do not want to go to law school because just the thought of having to sit through a class entitled "torts" makes me want to yank my brain out through my nose with a spoon. Or work for the government.

So anyway on this test to join the unnamed government agency, there are like all of these geography questions. Also I am making my husband take the test too because we always do shit like this together because we are competitive assholes. And I like to kick his ass at tests.

So we are studying and there is this question about Carmen Del Fuego which apparently is a city. And so we are both like UMMMMM ARGENTINA? NO, wait! Chile? Oh, if it were in Chile then its probably not there anymore... Maybe its in Spain? FUCK!

So then my husband is all don't you have like a book for this? I do seriously have a book for everything. Anyway, I am like YES! I totally ordered a coloring book of countries for 5th graders the other day! So I bet if we like COLOR it we will eventually color over this Fuego place! So then I am sitting there thinking about how I am genius. And he was like WHAT?! And I was all I KNOW RIGHT? Because I think when you have to learn geography from a 5th grade coloring book that probably means you are a fucking idiot!

And then he was like WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU ORDER A PUZZLE? And then there was silence because that idea is amazing. So I pretty much have to beat him at this test for serious now that he just came up with the most brilliant idea in the history of the world. Or at least it would be if I actually knew anything about the world.

So anyway. I want my money back because I am so unlearned.

I pulled the abortion card

Midterms blow my mind. Okay and not in the sense that my brain hurts, but in the sense that basically everyone gets retarded. Including the professors. So do the professors make the students retarded or do the students make the professors retarded? Behold my academic laziness! I am a social scientist and I have observed this correlation but this post is probably the extent of my research on the topic because all I need to know is that mid-terms are special. SHORT BUS special and that is pretty bad in Nevada since if you are maybe kind of not stupid and you go sit in a UNLV classroom chances are you are getting dumber by proximity.

So the other day the Professor was like "you need to come with a test booklet and some kind of writing apparatus.... I recommend a pen..." A PEN BRILLIANT! Because generally I expect to take my tests Moses style and was seriously considering showing up with a tablet and chisel. Okay if you are in an upper level college class and you show up to any test without a pen, and you have done so on purpose because your babysitter did not remind you that one would be necessary then you are probably better off spending your money at the blackjack table than on an education because you are in the "burger-flipping" genre of stupid.

Seriously. I mean I realize that a bachelors degree is basically the new high school diploma but I'm pretty sure you can still flip burgers without attending even ONE college philosophy class. Almost positive. Then again, I could be wrong I do suck at philosophy.

Ha ha. Then on the test I repeatedly mentioned (using my PEN) that politicians can almost always pull the abortion card instead of discussing real issues and this is basically the reason why the Culture War has been manufactured. It's to distract all the burger flipping dumb dumbs from the fact that we have a 2 real warS in Iraq and they are getting paid like 90% below the poverty level and our infrastructure is practically crumbling. But don't worry about that shit because its not important, look over here: BABY GENOCIDE has destroyed our country! It wasn't Reaganomics or privatizing everything or any of that! You know why? ABORTION CARD! Fucking fixed motherfuckers, vote for me! AND THEY DO.

I totally aced that test with my amazing pen, too. You know why? Because the abortion card is UNTOUCHABLE and any time you pull it that means you win. I would be the best political consultant ever.

Lime green is classy

This move has been brought on by my recent crisis of conscience about the whole political science thing. Because people who have read me for any length of time or known me for more than four seconds understand that I AM NOT A DIPLOMAT! Fuck! This means I probably should have been a scientist or retreated into some other kind of "I hate people" profession like nuclear physics but NO, I happen to be a fantastic douche magnet. And believe me, there are a LOT of douchebags in politics. I mean. Like I could bedazzle you with tales of douchebaggery in the political science department.

Like are you aware that the UNLV political science majors hate people who major in environmental science? Can you guess why? ME NEITHER, THEY ARE DOUCHEBAGS!

Basically what I am saying is that someday I might have to get security clearance from the government so its best that I go into stealth spy mode here on the internets so I can someday fulfill my dream of becoming a Secret agent who like topples democratically elected regimes and assassinate foreign ambassadors. But probably I will be in the branch of the CIA that is assigned to put all the tiny American flags on all the graves in Arlington Cemetery and do other super patriotic shit that is basically meaningless.

Or I may be preparing to run away to Latin America despite my fantastic failure to master the language of Spanish so I can operate as a non-functional illegal alien. In that case I just need a free blog because in Cuba they only get to use the internet like once a week by appointment. ONCE A WEEK. That shit is true.

expert annoyer

So I have been in a fight with my homeowners association for like A YEAR because they charged me $100 to send me a certified letter that I totally did not ask for. And yesterday they sent me ANOTHER certified letter that they charged me $100 for again (WTF?!) So I wrote a letter to my senators and stuff because hello my house is worth like 60% less than my mortgage at this point so I'm already just perpetually perturbed about my dumb house anyway. Like I have to live here forever now and I don't even have a swimming pool or anything.

I emailed it to my mom and she emailed me back and the email said "You're my hero." She also said something about how I am an expert at the art of being annoying. But whatever. I am HER HERO.

Greetings HOA,

Thank you so much for the delightful valentine I received today via certified mail. Since our last correspondence I have experienced no fortunate turn of events and my economic status remains the same. The quandary encompassing our communication seems to be that you mistakenly believe that I am endowed with a vast fortune from which you can extort abundant capital. I have repeatedly emphasized that this is not the case. Frankly, your failure to interpret my clear communication that I am financially unable to submit to your preposterous demands is causing me to believe that I should only correspond with you using a third grade reading level. And probably in crayon.

Alas, I regret to inform you that I am not currently in possession of the $319.60 that your charming little ransom note demands. I also do not plan to acquire such discretionary funds to lavish upon you at any time in the near or distant future. In that this is the case, I am formally requesting that you discontinue sending me your fancy certified love letters. I will refuse them from now on because at the lofty price of $100 per note, I cannot afford to indulge in your extravagant tokens of affection. They have all been undeserved and unsolicited and even if I were able, I will never pay $100 for a certified letter. Ever. Your continued terrorization will not change my financial circumstances and inflating the balance only annoys me and accentuates your inspiring lack of intelligence.

The purpose of my previous letter (12.29.09) was to indicate that I am through trying to navigate through your ineffectual, frustrating and time-consuming complaint resolution process. I said that I would pay what I owe to the association and I have followed through on that commitment. Once my true balance is paid I will not pay unmerited punitive fees. I don’t know how I can convey that to you more unequivocally than I have already done. Do you really need it in crayon?

If you insist on continuing this ridiculous charade I will begin to bill you. As of now this letter serves as a formal notice that a demand for payment is being given regarding your delinquent account for wasting my time and refusing to correct your own negligent failure in billing, dispute resolutions and probably life in general. Please remit the balance of $1043.00 in full by March 19, 2010. Payment must be physically present in my mailbox by this date or you can correct my account. Either way, I will not pay you a dime more than you are due. If you do not reconcile your abusive tactics I will seriously consider legal action.